


In Remission

by tinfoil (milkystarlight)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben returns to the light, Discussion of childhood sexual abuse, F/M, Han doesn't die, Leia still thinks she's doing her best, Mildly Dubious Consent, Parent/Child Incest, Rape/Non-con Elements, TFA kink meme prompt, and also
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:59:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8861851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkystarlight/pseuds/tinfoil
Summary: Ben handles trauma badly. The Solos don't feel like a family anymore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ohhh golly, guys. I started writing this almost a year ago in response to something I saw on the kink meme and got v embarrassed. Then this morning I woke up and finished it! I'm throwing this up without it being beta read because, honestly, I'm afraid I'll lose my nerve.
> 
> The original prompt was something involving Han/Ben/Leia, assuming Kylo came back with Han instead of what happened in canon.
> 
> In case you missed the tags-- major trigger warning for incest, childhood sexual abuse, and dubious consent.

Ben.

It's an unfamiliar name, and when he's alone he finds himself saying it under his breath. 

Ben. 

He thinks he likes it. He likes hearing it when Rey calls him across the cafeteria and when Finn says it to focus his attention back in the present. Best is when Poe says it, because Poe's voice has lost none of the brotherly warmth it once held. He likes it less when his mother says it, because of the pity that hangs heavy in her voice. He hates it when his father says it, because it sounds confused and alien in his mouth.

Ben never got along with Han, so in that respect the palatable discomfort between them is welcoming in its familiarity. 

The first night back with the Resistance he sits alone in an empty cell, answering questions over intercom. A safety measure, they say, to protect him and his interrogators. He isn't sure what he needs to be protected from.

The second night they give him a cot to sleep on. 

The third night, after he has numbly recounted the methods used to coerce systems into joining the First Order, he's allowed out. He doesn't think of the stories as particularly emotional, but in retelling some of the older ones he finds his voice shaking.

“I was twelve years old,” he speaks with his eyes fixed on his hands, watching himself compulsively fidget with a loose strand of his tunic. “and weak in the Force. Supreme Leader Snoke allowed me to use the limited skills I had to persuade the Tykrellian System into joining us.” 

On the other side of the wall, watching through unseen windows and listening through unseen microphones, his interrogator asks him “What skills were those?”

Ben feels the corner of his mouth moving upward in a self-depreciating smile. “I let Chancellor Krynn fuck me.” 

After that he needs less prompting. He tells them all the stories he remembers, and tries to fill in the blank spots as best he can. At some point he becomes aware of the taste of salt on his lips, but doesn't remember when he began crying. 

After that he's let out. His debriefing continues in bits and pieces in one of the offices, with hot cups of tea and breaks whenever the officer he's talking to starts to look uncomfortable. Hux would say the Resistance officers are a soft bunch, but Ben tries his best not to think about Hux or what he would say to of any of this.

This is his home, even if it's unfamiliar. 

Mostly he stays in the hangar. He likes fixing things, and has lost only a little of the technical skill he once held. The droids are easy to get along with, and eventually the other mechanics share caff or lewd jokes with him. It is far from perfect, but it isn't the worst situation he could imagine for a traitor to the Order.

Ben sleeps in the Millennium Falcon most nights. It is easy to secure, and he knows all its creaks and the best places to hide from nightmares. He could have his own room or bunk with the soldiers, but this is safer. Some nights the scavenger girl sleeps there; if one of them has a nightmare they wake the other and play dejarik until dawn.

Tonight he wakes alone from his nightmare, and doesn't bother trying to wedge himself into one of the dark, familiar corners. Tonight his paranoia is lurking in every shadow. He needs to be outside, at least there he can run from it. He stumbles into the open air, breathing deep to hold himself together. 

The stars above the runway are clear and constant, reassuring after everything else has fallen apart. He lays on the warm duracrete, looking up at them, picking out constellations. “Felinx,” he whispers to himself. “Taun taun. The princess...” He feels Han approaching before he hears him. The steady sound of his approaching footfalls aren't enough to send Ben running back into the Falcon.

Han settles in the duracrete next to him, laying back in silence. “Which one was the felinx again? I can never keep that one straight.”

“There,” Ben points without actually checking that his father is watching. “If you draw a line up from Rega IV, you're at the tip of its tail.”

They spend half the night picking out constellations and sharing stories. Han has good stories, even if Ben has heard all of them before. It makes him feel smaller, younger, to lay here and listen to Han telling him about the Kessel Run and his first job on Ylesia. This must be the hundredth time he's heard these stories, but he feels safe hearing them again. 

When they're both nearly asleep, Ben does the only thing that makes sense to him: he leans over and kisses Han, full on the mouth. One of his hands moves to palm over Han's crotch. It seems obvious that after Han had spent the time to calm him down and make him feel safe again, that he would expect something in return. Ben knows he doesn't have much to offer. He also knows he sucks cock better than anyone. It is only common sense he would try repay Han.

Han freezes up for a heartbeat, then he's pushing Ben away. “Kriff, kiddo. Don't pull that kinda shit with me.” 

Even though he says that, and even though he tries to put on the appropriate expression of disgust, what he doesn't do is more telling. Ben is curled close to him, hand still resting on his hip. Han doesn't try to push him away. He doesn't have any real bite in his words. 

“I'm still your father.” Han says. Even he doesn't believe it. It's been too long. There's too much between them.

“Right.” Ben draws away a little, outside the circle of warmth they had created. “It's just...I owe you, right? For all you've done? And..it's all I'm good for, you know?”

“That's not true.” Han snaps. “You know you're worth more than that.” 

Ben doesn't know it, or else they wouldn't be having this conversation. “Sorry.” He offers. It isn't close to enough.  
“Yeah, sure. Just don't let me catch you talking about yourself like that again. You're more than whatever Snoke tried to reduce you to.”

Ben knows it isn't true, but he appreciates the sentiment. 

 

The second time Ben puts himself in this position is with Leia. 

It's another sleepless night for him. He's had more and more of those since Rey managed to find herself some peace sleeping in the women's barracks. He tells himself he isn't mad at her for adjusting so well. He's going to keep telling himself that until he believes it. 

He jolts awake from a half-remembered nightmare of something burning through him. He had felt the darkness coming for him, swallowing him up. It had enveloped him, held him more tenderly than any lover had. If he'd had the chance he would have gone back to it in an instant. 

That's not an option now.

Snoke would have known what to do.

As much as he hated him, Hux would have known what to do.

He lays in bed for a few minutes before recognizing that sleep won't be coming back. It was nearly dawn anyway. He stumbles into a clean pair of pants and an undershirt before making his way, barefoot, from the Falcon into the mess hall. 

There's no one here, except for a droid that scuttles to make itself scarce as soon as it sees him. He doesn't take a personally; droids are like that.

Ben makes himself a cup of caff and sits on the stainless steel counter to drink it. The warmth and bitterness are grounding, and after a little while he begins to feel like himself. He has things to fix, lightsaber forms to practice. They haven't actually given his saber back, but he can practice the forms without it. 

He'll find something useful to do.

He won't think about Snoke.

The sound of a door opening alerts him, and Ben looks up to see his mother sleepily coming into the kitchen. Her hair is plaited in a long braid down her back, and she's dressed in the same regulation sleepwear as her soldiers.

“Morning.” She offers him a half smile. 

Ben feels better already.

“Couldn't sleep?” He asks, as she pours her caff and stirs in sweetener. 

“No. You know how it is.” She sits on the counter next to him, close enough that their shoulders are touching. This is normal affection. It shouldn't be making his heart race like this. Worst of all, he's sure she can feel how keyed up he is.

Leia is easier to talk to than Han. She smiles readily, she's patient when he stumbles over his words. Ben could never tell how he felt about his chronically absent father, but he knows that he loves his mother. 

It helps that he can't avoid her like he can Han. Every day since he was brought here, he's spent a little bit of time with Leia. It might have been in some official capacity, like giving her rundowns of whatever First Order plans he had been in on, or it might have been something as peaceful and simple as eating lunch together. She's keeping a close on eye on him, but that's as much for his safety as it is everyone else's. 

“It's harder to sleep when I'm alone. It's the only time I'm ever alone. Makes me feel...” He stared quietly at the oily sheen at the top of his caff. “I don't know. I just worry when I'm by myself.”

“You should just sleep in my room.” Leia offers, a little too readily. “You used to before you went to train with Luke. I miss it.”

Does she understand what she's offering? He'd been a child then. He could fit neatly into her arms. He couldn't have been a threat then, even if he had wanted to. “Yeah. We could get a cot for me or something. If you have any long enough.” He gave her a rueful smile, and that had more or less been the end of it.

That night she had sought him out.

They didn't do anything untoward that first night. They had slept, Ben in the cot that his feet dangled off of and Leia in her bed. It was the first full night of sleep either had gotten since Ben arrived months ago. Objectively, it was strange for a grown man to share a room with his mother. After all the trauma both had been through, no one had the heart to find fault in it. At least here General Organa was above reproach. 

If their arrangement was strange it was made up for by the fact that getting a full night's sleep so vastly improved the General's mood. When she was happy it seemed to trickle down to everyone under her command. 

They managed nearly a week before Ben, waking from a nightmare, crawled in next to her. They fit together so perfectly. Leia was tiny in his arms. He could hold her against his chest and rest his chin on top of her head. She was soft and warm and didn't expect anything from him except to be held. If they had a few awkward mornings, that was a fair price to pay.

Comfort bred a new hunger for affection. It started small-kisses pressed to the back of her neck when they woke together, gentle hands lingering too long on her's. Leia returned the affection, more maternal than romantic in her quick pecks on his cheek. 

Ben knew what she was thinking. She thought that he had simply forgotten how to express affection like a healthy person. She thought that if she endured his disregard for boundaries he would eventually move past it. She was wrong. He understood boundaries perfectly well. Ben had no trouble maintaining a normal relationship with anyone else (well, not anymore. Not since that incident with Rey). 

The tenuous normalcy breaks eventually. Ben jolts wake, nearly vibrating with fear and nameless hunger. Just like every nightmare before this, she's here for him. The familiar darkness presses in all around him. He just needs an anchor. Anything at all. Leia is here for him, like always. She loves him, has always loved him, even when he made himself unlovable.

She has to understand, he thinks as he presses against her. His hips rock automatically against the warmth of her body, and half-asleep she leans into the contact. She's done so much for him, taken such good care of him. He only wants to show her that he's could be just as good for her.

His hand is under her shirt, sliding up to cup her breasts. He expects her to push him away, to reject him the way Han did. Instead she turns to kiss him. It's gentle enough, their lips meeting for the first time since Ben was a child. It burns through him like lightning. 

“I love you,” he whispers, rolling back and bringing her on top of him. She straddles his stomach, his hands resting on her ribs.

“I know,” she answers. She kisses him again, and this time it's long and luxuriant. Even her mouth is small. When she nips at his lower lip he gives a muffled cry, but doesn't dare return the bite. If he gives in, even a fraction, to the violence that comes so easily there may be no stopping it. 

“This is what you need.” She tells him. “This is what you've always needed.” He believes her.

Words become less useful after that. Ben has dim memories of how his mother's body had been when he was a child. She's not the same, but it doesn't change anything. As he undresses her, he kisses every newly revealed inch of skin. There are a few scars on her arms, one just above her right breast. He lavishes extra affection on these.

It feels strange, bowing his head to circle his tongue around the peak of her nipple, to be repeating what his father may have done. Did he kiss her the same way? Was he gentle with her? He sucks lightly, his free hand cupping the other breast. After a few moments, when Leia's soft sighs start to sound just a little strained, he switches his attention to the other nipple. He could quite happily do this all night. Leia fits perfectly into his lap, weighs just enough to feel good against his growing arousal. 

“Come on, honey,” She's whispering and pulling at his hair. 

Ben looks up at her with hazy and unfocused eyes. Sex always made him feel like he was somewhere else, like he was on autopilot.

In the dark bedroom, its hard to read her expression. Ben thinks he understands what she wants, though. After a moment to re-position them, he lays between Leia's slightly spread legs. She smells warm, familiar, and the taste of her on his tongue is bitter and somehow comforting.

Everything he has to give narrows down to making Leia feel good.. Its all he's good for, all he's ever been good for. He just wants to be able to give her something, some kind of relief. The tip of his tongue traces over her clit, circling but never quite giving her what she needed. He's self-conscious, despite Leia's hips bucking against his mouth. He's good at sucking cock (Snoke had told him so, Hux had said it, countless others) but less practiced at this. Lacking direction, he slides two of his fingers into the cloying heat of her cunt.

“That's not gonna be enough, baby.” Leia's voice sounds far away. Surely this must be happen to someone else. “Come on, sweetheart. Don't you want to make me feel good?”

The words sting, but Ben can't explain how or why. His cock, pressed between his body and the mattress as he lays prostrate before her, twitches hopefully. “Yes,” He answers, rising to his knees. How could he have said no to her?

He thinks this is going to be easy. Leia is soaked, both from his saliva and her own arousal, but she is impossibly tight. “Gentle,” she tells him, pressing a hand to his chest. Ben lifts her legs over his shoulder, the angle making it a little easier for him to sink into her. It would be easier of they had lube, but that's not a priority right now. “Gentle, honey. You'll tear me apart.”

Ben tries to control himself, but it's hard. Leia's body fits so perfectly around him. He knows she was made for him. She's pure light, and every last little friction feels like it's driving the darkness out of him. She could make him whole again. She could make him pure.

She moans against his open mouth, his kisses uncoordinated and overwhelming. “Please,” he whispers, rocking into her. He withdraws almost completely before plunging back in. This time she manages to take a little more of his cock.

“Please,” He says again, the word slowly become a mantra. He is unaware of his own voice, limited awareness focusing completely on Leia. “Please,” he is still whispering when he feels her first orgasm building around him. He fucks her through it, keeping the rhythm as best he can until another wave of pleasure crashes over her. This time he can't hold back, the force of her body convulsing around him is enough to drag him under too.

He collapses next to her, both of them sweating and heaving for breath. “I'm sorry,” He says too quickly. Reality is crashing back into place now. He needs to get out of here, he's done something terrible--

but Leia's hand settles over his, and she brings it to her mouth to gently kiss his knuckles. “I love you, Ben. You know I'd do anything for you.”

“I know, mama.” The title is alien to him. Ben hasn't called her that since he was a little boy. “I love you too.” 

There is a little while yet until dawn. They can try to understand the consequences of what they've done in the morning.


End file.
